12 Dec. 2015
The title pretty much says it all... I hate who I have become since I've started my newest job. I've become crass, dirty, angry, depressed, anxious, jaded, hateful... I'm a mess... A train wreck at best.
Every other word that comes out of my mouth is a swear; if I'm not swearing I'm laughing at some inappropriate joke that I don't even find funny, but I laugh at, just to keep up appearances. The worst of all though, is the self-deprecation. It took me years and years to pull myself out of this pit of self-hatred, and only a handful of months to push me back in, and fill in the hole.
So... What's causing this poor attitude... this dark, soul-crushing anguish? I can't be certain... What I do know is...morale is low at work. Rarely does anyone pass on a compliment (or at least the right people don't). Everyone is angry and gets angrier by the day. The normal topics on any given day are, "check out this porn/naked email", "my wife is being such a [you fill in the blank], be happy you're not married", "that customer/employee is a [you fill in the blank]", not a lot of positivity to build on. It's an incredibly dark and toxic environment.
When I first started working there I was adamant about showing my faith, and my belief in God above. It seemed to make a difference for about a month, but then the onslaught of hatred came tumbling down. Now, I am so buried in negativity that I can't seem to get a foothold. My co-workers praise me when I let a swear word fly, or tell someone off; saying things like, "he's finally becoming one of us", or "good, we've started breaking him down", or my personal favorite, "I knew the christian would fall sooner or later."
Maybe it's just me... Maybe I'm just to thin skinned, I shouldn't let this kind of stuff bother me. I know that the bible says that we will be persecuted, (and this is NO WHERE near as bad as whats going on in other countries), the bible says, they will hate us, but they hated Him first. So, this shouldn't really come as a surprise, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me. I try to overcome it, I pray, I read my bible, I talk to the people at work about my faith, but nothing seems to get through to them. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it there... Am I supposed to stay and fight the battle...Or am I supposed to leave, and guard my heart? Life has become a lot more difficult, dark, and scary since I started this new job. I hate the person that I have become...it's time for a change.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
I don't have time for Jesus
3 Jan 15
While relaxing and enjoying this 4 day weekend, I got to thinking about what's really taking up my time. Not just this weekend, but my life in general. I work, I sleep, I spend time with friends, I watch t.v. I read, I write, I play with Legos... Sounds like a great list, right? But something is missing.
Where is Jesus in all of this? Yes, I know Jesus is in everything I do, but why am I not specifically making time to invite Him into my life? Am I so busy that I can't take 5-10 minutes to read the bible, do a morning devotion, or even pray before a meal? Trust me, my life is not SO important that I can't spare a moment for God.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying doing all these things are bad, but when they overtake your life and relationship with your Father, that's when things get a little dicey. One of my favorite evangelists, Todd White, once said, "God is ok with you having stuff, He is not ok with stuff having you." This works the same way with activities. Enjoy some free time, go out and live your life, but make sure you have time for the Man that created this life you so enjoy.
You have 24 hours in a day, there's plenty of spare seconds, minutes, maybe even hours that you can spare for worship.
I challenge you, (and myself) to really evaluate, or for some, reevaluate your schedules and see where you can take out some non essential activites and add a little more Jesus.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Friendship Vs. Fellowship
29 Dec 14
Friendship and Fellowship, two very important ships to captain, but what is the difference? Lets dive in. (three nautical jokes in the very first paragraph? I better stop now, before you make me walk the plank...) (4 jokes)
So! What is a friendship to you? Good people, shared interests, ease of communication, etc. Right? That's great! We all need those people in our lives so we aren't constantly alone and grow up to be bitter old people, living in a run down house, spraying children with garden hoses every time they walk across your lawn... (Though, that last bit does sound like fun.) I love my friends, I don't have a LOT of them, but the ones that I do have I value. As the old adage goes, "It's better to have a few REAL friends, than to have a lot of FAKE friends." My friends and I are pretty real. We pick on each other, we lift each other up, (physically and emotionally...Eric Puyear...love you bro.) We are there for each other in good and bad. But! Most friendships really only scratch the surface of what they could be, and I'm not saying that surface relationships are all bad, and Im not saying that you have to get deep and philosophical ALL the time...What I am saying is... don't be afraid to, when necessary.
That's where fellowship comes in...specifically, fellowship in the eyes of God. If you want to build true, long lasting, thick and thin relationships, you need to dig past the surface and go deep. Really get to know the person, be vulnerable, accepting and willing to help or be helped. Going through life alone is a terrible way to live, especially when there are people out there that are more than willing to be real with you. Knock down you're barriers, get out of your shell, whatever you want to call it.
I have the privilege of meeting with three very special friends on a nearly weekly (for two) and monthly (the other one) basis, and when we meet, things get real! I'm not going to lie and say we don't talk worldly, surface stuff at the same time, but what I am saying is the main conversations we have are about life, God, whats wrong, whats right, and so on.
My friend Trevor and I have been meeting nearly every Saturday morning for the past 2+ years and we have yet to run out of things to talk about. Why? Because God is always creating something new in us. Whether it's a concern about work that we help each other out with, or a praise and blessing that God has given us. There's always something that comes up that keeps us occupied and satisfied with how good God is.
Onto the aforementioned Eric Puyear... Eric and I try to get together Saturday nights. Sometimes we just hang out and watch classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, but other nights we talk...and when we talk things get crazy (in a good way.) He is so open and willing to share with me about his life, present and past, and that is so encouraging to me, he really helps me open up.
Last but not least, The man...The myth...The legend...Justin Ocker. Oh...boy....Do things get real when J.O. comes to town. Justin is the one that started knocking my walls down...and I was NOT happy about it in the beginning. I didn't want to open up, I wanted to live in my own perfect little bubble and he saw right through me. He started launching mortars, grenades and ever other kind of weapon he had in his arsenal of awesomeness at my wall, and eventually it was so destroyed that he was able to just push it over... (some how I left the nautical theme and enter a war movie...don't worry about it, stick with me.) And I love him for it.
I can honestly say, without these three bros, I would not be where I am today.
Without Trevor, I wouldn't have matured in my walk with Jesus, I would have just left well enough alone. Now, I can't go a day without telling someone, something about Jesus. Whether its a co-worker, a family member, or someone on the street.
Without Eric, I would never have experienced what a real church family is like. Eric's love and compassion opened my eyes to see others at church, others around me, my family included and reminded me that it's ok to be loved, its ok to be vulnerable, its ok if you get knocked down, because someone will always be there to pick you back up.
Without Justin, I would be trapped inside a wall of fake. Only letting my real feelings out on Saturday mornings with Trevor. Sitting in the back at church, not getting involved, not communicating and not being in fellowship.
So, in conclusion...Go out, make friends, cherish these times together. Be silly and surface when the time is right, but never be afraid to hit the deep end...That's where the truth comes out.
Friendship and Fellowship, two very important ships to captain, but what is the difference? Lets dive in. (three nautical jokes in the very first paragraph? I better stop now, before you make me walk the plank...) (4 jokes)
So! What is a friendship to you? Good people, shared interests, ease of communication, etc. Right? That's great! We all need those people in our lives so we aren't constantly alone and grow up to be bitter old people, living in a run down house, spraying children with garden hoses every time they walk across your lawn... (Though, that last bit does sound like fun.) I love my friends, I don't have a LOT of them, but the ones that I do have I value. As the old adage goes, "It's better to have a few REAL friends, than to have a lot of FAKE friends." My friends and I are pretty real. We pick on each other, we lift each other up, (physically and emotionally...Eric Puyear...love you bro.) We are there for each other in good and bad. But! Most friendships really only scratch the surface of what they could be, and I'm not saying that surface relationships are all bad, and Im not saying that you have to get deep and philosophical ALL the time...What I am saying is... don't be afraid to, when necessary.
That's where fellowship comes in...specifically, fellowship in the eyes of God. If you want to build true, long lasting, thick and thin relationships, you need to dig past the surface and go deep. Really get to know the person, be vulnerable, accepting and willing to help or be helped. Going through life alone is a terrible way to live, especially when there are people out there that are more than willing to be real with you. Knock down you're barriers, get out of your shell, whatever you want to call it.
I have the privilege of meeting with three very special friends on a nearly weekly (for two) and monthly (the other one) basis, and when we meet, things get real! I'm not going to lie and say we don't talk worldly, surface stuff at the same time, but what I am saying is the main conversations we have are about life, God, whats wrong, whats right, and so on.
My friend Trevor and I have been meeting nearly every Saturday morning for the past 2+ years and we have yet to run out of things to talk about. Why? Because God is always creating something new in us. Whether it's a concern about work that we help each other out with, or a praise and blessing that God has given us. There's always something that comes up that keeps us occupied and satisfied with how good God is.
Onto the aforementioned Eric Puyear... Eric and I try to get together Saturday nights. Sometimes we just hang out and watch classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, but other nights we talk...and when we talk things get crazy (in a good way.) He is so open and willing to share with me about his life, present and past, and that is so encouraging to me, he really helps me open up.
Last but not least, The man...The myth...The legend...Justin Ocker. Oh...boy....Do things get real when J.O. comes to town. Justin is the one that started knocking my walls down...and I was NOT happy about it in the beginning. I didn't want to open up, I wanted to live in my own perfect little bubble and he saw right through me. He started launching mortars, grenades and ever other kind of weapon he had in his arsenal of awesomeness at my wall, and eventually it was so destroyed that he was able to just push it over... (some how I left the nautical theme and enter a war movie...don't worry about it, stick with me.) And I love him for it.
I can honestly say, without these three bros, I would not be where I am today.
Without Trevor, I wouldn't have matured in my walk with Jesus, I would have just left well enough alone. Now, I can't go a day without telling someone, something about Jesus. Whether its a co-worker, a family member, or someone on the street.
Without Eric, I would never have experienced what a real church family is like. Eric's love and compassion opened my eyes to see others at church, others around me, my family included and reminded me that it's ok to be loved, its ok to be vulnerable, its ok if you get knocked down, because someone will always be there to pick you back up.
Without Justin, I would be trapped inside a wall of fake. Only letting my real feelings out on Saturday mornings with Trevor. Sitting in the back at church, not getting involved, not communicating and not being in fellowship.
So, in conclusion...Go out, make friends, cherish these times together. Be silly and surface when the time is right, but never be afraid to hit the deep end...That's where the truth comes out.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
At Least I'm Not As Bad As...
21 May 14
As Christians we tend to compare our sins to others, (Christians and non-believers alike) whether we realize it or not. It's almost as though it has become a game. 'I'll trade one drunken friday for your verbal abuse...' There is no sin that is better or worse than another. There may be different worldly consequences, you're not going to go to jail for calling someone a name, and your not going to be asked to apologize (normally) for murdering someone, but in the end the heavenly consequences are the same, a distraught soul and a Father in heaven with a heavy heart.
It says in the bible that if you look at a woman lustfully you have already committed adultery with her in your heart. Sin is sin is sin. But the beautiful thing is, all sin can be cleaned up and cleared away the exact same way. If you believe in God, and genuinely ask for His forgiveness, your sin will be taken away. Forgive and Forget.
So! You don't drink...You don't look at pornography, you've never killed anyone, you're basically as perfect as they come right? Ok... so maybe you swear once or twice, maybe you've stollen a candy bar...but at least you're not as bad as your co-worker, or your neighbor right? SINNER! Comparison in and of its self (in this context) is a sin as well. Take a look at this text from the bible...(Yes, this type of sin has been going back for years!
"...The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed, 'God, I thank you that I am not like other people-- robbers, evil doers, adulterers, or even like this tax collector... --- Those who exalt themselves will be humbled and those who humble themselves will be exalted ..." (Luke 18:11&14) Read the entire parable when you have a chance...Quite fascinating and life changing.
Comparison is part of human nature, it's been here since the fall of man. It's a hard habit to break, but we must keep pushing forward in the battle of who's better.
As Christians we tend to compare our sins to others, (Christians and non-believers alike) whether we realize it or not. It's almost as though it has become a game. 'I'll trade one drunken friday for your verbal abuse...' There is no sin that is better or worse than another. There may be different worldly consequences, you're not going to go to jail for calling someone a name, and your not going to be asked to apologize (normally) for murdering someone, but in the end the heavenly consequences are the same, a distraught soul and a Father in heaven with a heavy heart.
It says in the bible that if you look at a woman lustfully you have already committed adultery with her in your heart. Sin is sin is sin. But the beautiful thing is, all sin can be cleaned up and cleared away the exact same way. If you believe in God, and genuinely ask for His forgiveness, your sin will be taken away. Forgive and Forget.
So! You don't drink...You don't look at pornography, you've never killed anyone, you're basically as perfect as they come right? Ok... so maybe you swear once or twice, maybe you've stollen a candy bar...but at least you're not as bad as your co-worker, or your neighbor right? SINNER! Comparison in and of its self (in this context) is a sin as well. Take a look at this text from the bible...(Yes, this type of sin has been going back for years!
"...The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed, 'God, I thank you that I am not like other people-- robbers, evil doers, adulterers, or even like this tax collector... --- Those who exalt themselves will be humbled and those who humble themselves will be exalted ..." (Luke 18:11&14) Read the entire parable when you have a chance...Quite fascinating and life changing.
Comparison is part of human nature, it's been here since the fall of man. It's a hard habit to break, but we must keep pushing forward in the battle of who's better.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Broken
16 Mar 14
"…Only God can take care, for it is He who rules the world. Since we cannot take care, since we are so completely powerless, we ought not to do it either. If we do, we are dethroning God and presuming to rule the world ourselves…" -Bonhoeffer
As I sit here in my chair writing, I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of brokenness. My brokenness comes in two facets. I am completely broken in the worst way possible without Jesus. When I push Him away, when I take on the world by myself, when I become selfish or tempted, I am broken. I am lost. On the other hand, when I embrace Jesus, when I give Him everything I have and then some, when I am in fellowship, in devotion, in love, I am broken in the best way possible. Broken in Humility. Knowing that I am not alone; that I have a safety net around me at all times.
I think about what we are studying in church right now. To not cover your secrets, your sins, addictions and pains. Be open about who you are, find refuge in human interaction with your fellow brothers and sister in Christ. Don't be bound by anxiety, insecurity or shame. Build up one another, build relationships. As Proverbs says, as iron sharpens iron, so one brother sharpens another. I have plenty of things to hide, things that I am uncomfortable talking about, walls that I need to break down…They have been on my mind now for a few weeks, before we even started talking about them in church. The Lord has been preparing me to break down these barriers, to fight off the evil forces that are trying to take control of me. The devil lives in the darkness and he is trying to lure you in with ever step you take. Run! Run from the devil, shine your light. Where there is light, there is no darkness.
You don't have to stay broken. There is a way out of the mire, out of the pitfall that you are in. Jesus. Jesus is the only answer. Run to Him. He was there, is there and always will be there. There is nothing you can do to disqualify yourself. Jesus' love for you and me is unconditional with no end. He is waiting for you.
"…Only God can take care, for it is He who rules the world. Since we cannot take care, since we are so completely powerless, we ought not to do it either. If we do, we are dethroning God and presuming to rule the world ourselves…" -Bonhoeffer
As I sit here in my chair writing, I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of brokenness. My brokenness comes in two facets. I am completely broken in the worst way possible without Jesus. When I push Him away, when I take on the world by myself, when I become selfish or tempted, I am broken. I am lost. On the other hand, when I embrace Jesus, when I give Him everything I have and then some, when I am in fellowship, in devotion, in love, I am broken in the best way possible. Broken in Humility. Knowing that I am not alone; that I have a safety net around me at all times.
I think about what we are studying in church right now. To not cover your secrets, your sins, addictions and pains. Be open about who you are, find refuge in human interaction with your fellow brothers and sister in Christ. Don't be bound by anxiety, insecurity or shame. Build up one another, build relationships. As Proverbs says, as iron sharpens iron, so one brother sharpens another. I have plenty of things to hide, things that I am uncomfortable talking about, walls that I need to break down…They have been on my mind now for a few weeks, before we even started talking about them in church. The Lord has been preparing me to break down these barriers, to fight off the evil forces that are trying to take control of me. The devil lives in the darkness and he is trying to lure you in with ever step you take. Run! Run from the devil, shine your light. Where there is light, there is no darkness.
You don't have to stay broken. There is a way out of the mire, out of the pitfall that you are in. Jesus. Jesus is the only answer. Run to Him. He was there, is there and always will be there. There is nothing you can do to disqualify yourself. Jesus' love for you and me is unconditional with no end. He is waiting for you.
Friday, February 21, 2014
I'm A Sinner
21 Feb 14
The title pretty much says it all… I am a sinner… I am not celebrating it, I am accepting it. I fall prey to temptation, to greed, profanity and the likes. I am not proud of it, but it is unfortunately human nature. Since the fall of man, sin has run rampant throughout the world, no one can escape it. That, however is not an excuse to run wild with it. I don't get up every morning, slip out of my footy pajamas and think, "Let's see what kind of sin I can commit today." No, it sneaks up on you, it attacks you when you are weak. Satan comes in and grabs hold of your heart, at this point he is the ring leader and you are a circus act on his payroll.
It's up to you to call out to Jesus and ask for help, to rescue you from the torment you are in. Lucky for you, God is loving and compassionate and is always there to help. Know this…no matter what you do, however bad you think your sin is, however worthless you feel after the fact, NOTHING will disqualify you from God and His love. If you truly believe Jesus is your Lord and Savior and you have accept Him into your heart, He will forgive you. Be careful not to use Him as a get out of jail free card though. He is not a genie, He won't grant you wishes and let you treat Him like your own personal door mat. He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and He deserves that respect.
The title pretty much says it all… I am a sinner… I am not celebrating it, I am accepting it. I fall prey to temptation, to greed, profanity and the likes. I am not proud of it, but it is unfortunately human nature. Since the fall of man, sin has run rampant throughout the world, no one can escape it. That, however is not an excuse to run wild with it. I don't get up every morning, slip out of my footy pajamas and think, "Let's see what kind of sin I can commit today." No, it sneaks up on you, it attacks you when you are weak. Satan comes in and grabs hold of your heart, at this point he is the ring leader and you are a circus act on his payroll.
It's up to you to call out to Jesus and ask for help, to rescue you from the torment you are in. Lucky for you, God is loving and compassionate and is always there to help. Know this…no matter what you do, however bad you think your sin is, however worthless you feel after the fact, NOTHING will disqualify you from God and His love. If you truly believe Jesus is your Lord and Savior and you have accept Him into your heart, He will forgive you. Be careful not to use Him as a get out of jail free card though. He is not a genie, He won't grant you wishes and let you treat Him like your own personal door mat. He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and He deserves that respect.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Stop comparing and start living
5 Feb 14
I'm going to get real with y'all for a moment, because thats what this blog is all about. Growing up, even though I knew deep down that God created me In his image, I hated who I was. I never thought I was good at anything, I wanted to be someone else. I wasn't selfish monitarily, I didn't want people's money or toys, I was emotionally and physically selfish. I wanted other peoples talents, good looks, fashions, etc. I would spend nights in prayer, blaming God for not making me the way I wanted to be. Let me say that again... It was Gods fault for not making me the way "I" wanted to be. Messed up, right?
I'm happy to say that as I have matured in my walk with Jesus, I have been able to break down a lot of those barriers and be comfortable in my own skin. It has been a tough journey, and it's not over , but through Christs love, I have moved forward, leaps and bounds.
So, that's my story growing up... What about you? Do you take pride in your self? Do you hate yourself? Or perhaps, you are overly proud of yourself bordering on arrogance? I pray that we all would find a happy medium where our joy is not in our physicallities but in the fact that we are God's creations and he doesn't make trash. Remember, as I stated early, you were created in Gods image, When you hate yourself, what are you saying about your creator?
In closing, I will end with this wonderful cliche, 'Be yourself, that's the best person you can be.'
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