I Hate Who I've Become At Work

12 Dec. 2015

The title pretty much says it all... I hate who I have become since I've started my newest job. I've become crass, dirty, angry, depressed, anxious, jaded, hateful... I'm a mess... A train wreck at best.

Every other word that comes out of my mouth is a swear; if I'm not swearing I'm laughing at some inappropriate joke that I don't even find funny, but I laugh at, just to keep up appearances. The worst of all though, is the self-deprecation. It took me years and years to pull myself out of this pit of self-hatred, and only a handful of months to push me back in, and fill in the hole.

So... What's causing this poor attitude... this dark, soul-crushing anguish? I can't be certain... What I do know is...morale is low at work. Rarely does anyone pass on a compliment (or at least the right people don't). Everyone is angry and gets angrier by the day. The normal topics on any given day are, "check out this porn/naked email",  "my wife is being such a [you fill in the blank], be happy you're not married", "that customer/employee is a [you fill in the blank]", not a lot of positivity to build on. It's an incredibly dark and toxic environment.

When I first started working there I was adamant about showing my faith, and my belief in God above. It seemed to make a difference for about a month, but then the onslaught of hatred came tumbling down. Now, I am so buried in negativity that I can't seem to get a foothold. My co-workers praise me when I let a swear word fly, or tell someone off; saying things like, "he's finally becoming one of us", or "good, we've started breaking him down", or my personal favorite, "I knew the christian would fall sooner or later."

Maybe it's just me... Maybe I'm just to thin skinned, I shouldn't let this kind of stuff bother me. I know that the bible says that we will be persecuted, (and this is NO WHERE near as bad as whats going on in other countries), the bible says, they will hate us, but they hated Him first. So, this shouldn't really come as a surprise, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me. I try to overcome it, I pray, I read my bible, I talk to the people at work about my faith, but nothing seems to get through to them. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it there... Am I supposed to stay and fight the battle...Or am I supposed to leave, and guard my heart? Life has become a lot more difficult, dark, and scary since I started this new job. I hate the person that I have become...it's time for a change.

I don't have time for Jesus

3 Jan 15

While relaxing and enjoying this 4 day weekend, I got to thinking about what's really taking up my time. Not just this weekend, but my life in general. I work, I sleep, I spend time with friends, I watch t.v. I read, I write, I play with Legos... Sounds like a great list, right? But something is missing.   

Where is Jesus in all of this? Yes, I know Jesus is in everything I do, but why am I not specifically making time to invite Him into my life? Am I so busy that I can't take 5-10 minutes to read the bible, do a morning devotion, or even pray before a meal? Trust me, my life is not SO important that I can't spare a moment for God. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying doing all these things are bad, but when they overtake your life and relationship with your Father, that's when things get a little dicey. One of my favorite evangelists, Todd White, once said, "God is ok with you having stuff, He is not ok with stuff having you." This works the same way with activities. Enjoy some free time, go out and live your life, but make sure you have time for the Man that created this life you so enjoy. 

You have 24 hours in a day, there's plenty of spare seconds, minutes, maybe even hours that you can spare for worship. 

I challenge you, (and myself) to really evaluate, or for some, reevaluate your schedules and see where you can take out some non essential activites and add a little more Jesus.